Miss A

October 2018

Last year, I did a promo video for my boudoir photography, and the first person I thought of to be a part of it was this gorgeous lady. She's got a way with words and her story is a good one, exactly what I want to acheive for women with what I do. So, in her own works, Miss A has a lot to say about what boudoir has meant to her. There's a bit of colorful language, but dammit, I think every word is perfect!

Growing up I was always the fat friend. All my girlfriends were skinny and beautiful and all the boys wanted them. I went through multiple stages of looking in the mirror and loving myself and then hating myself, but mostly hating myself. I had very low self confidence and just wanted to fit in and feel pretty. Many of my crushes would date all my friends, but would never date me. At points in my life I even had boys tell me it was because I was fat.

My first boyfriend was a guy I dated during my high school years. He dated two of my "prettier" friends before he even gave me a chance. Both times I was completely devastated. When he finally gave me the opportunity and asked me to be his girlfriend I immediately said, "Yes!"

Pause: What the fuck was I thinking? I am nobody's second option let alone third.

It took me years to find my self confidence and my self worth. I spent a lot of time, even through college body shaming myself and hating the person I saw in the mirror. I would settle for relationships and men because I de-valued myself and found it hard to believe that anyone could love me and held on tightly to the ones I thought could. I even went back to toxic relationships. Bottom line, mentally I was a mess.

Lets fast forward this sad story to something more empowering shall we?

Boudoir photography came in to my life a few years ago when a friend suggested I try it out. I was just recently coming out of a six year relationship and feeling like I needed to do something to lift my spirits. I had been working out at a local gym and busting my ass to get healthy, lose weight and build muscle. I was at a point in my life where I could finally look in the mirror without cringing or crying. So I thought, "What the hell, why not?" I booked the session.

The whole week before I was scared shitless. Why did I sign up for this? I am not skinny enough or pretty enough to do this kind of thing. What the hell was I thinking? Well it is too late now because it is booked and paid for and I'll be damned if I waste this money! The day came and I was a nervous mess. Thank God I had one of my best friends come with me to ease my mind.

I walked in the door of this amazing studio and met Jenna, who was absolutely wonderful. She was kind hearted and made me feel comfortable right from the start. She made getting half naked in front of a complete stranger feel easy. I felt like a model getting my hair and makeup done. It was an all around amazing experience. For the fist time in my life I felt sexy and beautiful. I left that studio feeling so incredibly empowered and my spirit was just completely lifted.

When I got the photos back I was completely blown away. Is that really me? I am hot as fuck! I can't believe that is me. I looked absolutely amazing. The emotions I felt were so unreal because I have never in my life truly looked at a photo of myself and felt a sense of beauty. I didn't sit there and analyze the photos and say, "I look fat in this picture, I hate my smile in this picture, look at that cellulite." I had not one negative comment to say about myself.

Did I mention that I gave Jenna permission to share my photos to help promote her business? Share my photos with complete strangers! I gave her this permission before I even saw the pictures. Why the hell would I do that? Honestly, at the point when I signed the right to share photos I don't even remember what I was thinking. I think it was more of a challenge to myself to prove that you don't have to be a size 2 to be a model. That even though I am a thicker girl I still look good in some sexy lingerie. Damn did I look good in lingerie.

I have since held that confidence in myself. I mean don't get me wrong, I still have moment when I am feeling down about myself or subconsciously beat myself up for eating one too many cookies. Or I look in the mirror and I am not feeling myself at that moment in time. I mean, we are human, we will do that from time to time and then just need to remind ourselves to fucking relax! When I start feeling down on myself I just look back to those photos and remind myself that I am a beautiful person both inside and out.

I have continued to do multiple photoshoots with Jenna and even joined her elite team. She has even used me as a model to promote her business and her mini photoshoot events. Boudoir photography has become a form of therapy for me. I always feel sexy and empowered when I finish a shoot and I am then reminded again of how beautiful I am when I see the photos. Boudoir photography helped pull me out of a sad, dark place and find not only my outer beauty, but my inner beauty as well. It helped me pick my self confidence and self worth up off the dirty ass floor dust it off and carry it high and proud. I truly am a different woman.

Boudoir photography helped me find my true, empowered and sexy self.