Miss H

September 2018

Miss H wanted to share her story and I think it's something very important for young girls to hear. Really, for all women, so I'm glad to share it here with her recent blog post! It's a long one, but worth the read, so definitely take some time to read her story. I'm so glad you found our shoot two years ago, Hailey! Truly!

“If you want something you’ve never had, you must be willing to do things that you have never done.” ~Thomas Jefferson

In 2015, I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa. This was particularly devastating to me because I have always been a bigger girl and never would have imagined that something like an eating disorder would knock my feet out from under me. It started really as any normal diet would, but in times of stress I forced myself to stop stress-eating. At this time in my life there was nothing but constant stress between several new medical diagnoses and complications, working constantly, all while trying to tell society what I was going to do with the rest of my life and being a new college student. I had a feeling that nothing in my life was in my own control. I took my diet as the one thing I could control, but promised myself I would eat healthy and eat appropriate portion sizes. 

A few months went by with no problems at all, except the fight with my own willpower to stop eating when I was bored or anxious. I was proud of myself for staying consistent. That’s the key right? Consistency? A few more months went by and by the sixth month I had lost over 70 pounds without ever really “going to the gym.” I couldn’t see the difference in the mirror, but the scale was definitely staring me in the face with a 127. I always get chubby in the off season for soccer weighing about 215LBS, and understandably would have more fat than muscle because I’m not working out everyday. But as the season rolls around, I go down to about 195 and then back up to 200 to 210, depending on my muscle mass. I have never reached under 180 even with sports and personal training, and I came to accept that this was just my biology. I thought I would feel accomplished and proud of myself for losing so much, but the only thing I felt was fear. It was like a secret that was growing bigger and bigger as the number got smaller and smaller.

“It’s not that big of a deal, Hailey.” I told myself. “It isn't even noticeable. You still look the same so there is nothing to worry about.” Anxiety can seem like the kindest of friends while silently thwarting your view of reality. I felt relieved and told myself I would stop dieting after I lost five more pounds.

As the weeks flew by, changes started occurring so quickly that there were days I couldn’t get out of bed or walk because of the muscle wasting that was actively taking place in my thighs. One morning I woke up after sleeping in on the weekend. Everything in the world was fine, until I tried to move. My legs felt like someone had cut out my muscles and left my mutilated carcass on the side of the road. I let myself slowly fall onto the floor and I crawled to the bathroom on my hands and knees because the pain was so unbearable. I used the counter and the wall to lift myself up onto the toilet so I could go pee. I sat there panting after making it to the bathroom as if it took me a triathlon to get there. Why am I so tired? What did I eat yesterday? I tried to recall the past few meals I had and I couldn’t. What did I eat!? I had to have had SOMETHING. What did I have for dinner? Nothing, absolutely nothing. I forgot to eat the past five meals. I worked so hard to cut out the thought of eating, I had completely cut it out. I started to get this uncomfortable feeling that I had seriously messed something up.

I started trying to eat again in the mornings but my body just rejected food. Anything I would eat or force down would come back up unintentionally. For four and a half months, I had to be put on a liquid diet because my body couldn’t handle solid foods anymore. My intestines would swell if I ate solids and it was the most excruciating pain I have probably ever felt. It was the kind of pain that would leave me crying on the floor in a ball mid-sentence and the kind of pain that landed me in the ER a couple of times. I decided at that point to take charge of my ED and not let my ED control me. In April 2017, I went back to counseling and decided to get some help.

Therapy was not what I expected it to be. The first few weeks, we identified bad habits and made goals for diet intake. I have seen my counselor on and off since I’ve been 16-years-old, so we had already moved passed the awkward stages. We started working on body positivity one day and she suggested modeling. I kind of stared at her for a moment before bursting out laughing and told her that was a big N-O. Was that a joke? What is this, Victoria Secret auditions or something? Models are just people who sell their body because they didn’t have enough to sell their brain, right?

 “Have you ever met a model?” she asked.

 “Well… No, but I just know they are!! Okay, I know how ridiculous that sounded, but what I DO know is that me and modeling are two worlds that were not meant to cross paths!” 

“I have a different client who just had her 80th birthday and she just started modeling for Meijer a few months ago, she loves it! She does modeling for older clothing.”

“Really? Eighty-years-old and she just started? I’ll give you a big MAYBE…I have to do some research first,” I told her.

I signed up for a few local business shoots online and did some photo shoots for friends’ promotional brands. Most of the websites I came across had very strict weight and height requirements. If I met the weight requirement, I was too short and if I met the height then I was too heavy. In August 2017, I saw an ad on Facebook for a boudoir photoshoot for breast cancer. There was a local mom who found out she had stage 4 breast cancer and she had four or five children. The photoshoot was donations only and all donations went to pay for this lady’s treatment. I didn’t know who it was or what the photoshoot was, but I knew I had to do it. I messaged Jenna and asked how I could sign up. I knew that even if my pictures didn’t turn out good that at least I was doing it was for a good cause.

I was extremely nervous because we all were meeting at a ladies house to do single and group photos, and I was arriving alone. I went inside and got changed and met the other girls in the barn out back. My heart was beating out of my chest as I walked up to the barn in my bathrobe. The first thing I noticed was that there were women from all age groups there for pictures and to show support. Everyone was making small talk and laughing without a care in the world. I wanted that sincere happiness and carefree soul. I walked around observing and eventually joined in with a group of girls. We all stood around, half naked, talking about our work days and what jobs/careers we had while waiting for our turn. For once, I felt comfortable in my own body while being in one of my most vulnerable states. But how? What is going on? We had group pictures at the end and being around other women in an environment that was so inviting and accepting while we are all naked was comforting. It was a mutual understanding that we are all women and we should cherish our bodies as they are. Society tells women how we should look, dress, and behave. Social media paints  pictures to young women as to what you should look like if you want to be considered “attractive.” But throughout my entire battle with my ED, THIS was the moment I felt most attractive. I felt like I was able to be my absolute complete self while being exposed. I didn't feel exposed though. I felt like a human being. I felt like me. I felt like finally, it all clicked.

I went back to my counselor the following week and told her how much fun I had at the photo shoot and how many awesome people I met. She just sat there quietly with a smirk on her face. “What?? Why do you have that ‘I told you so’ look on your face? Let me hear it.”

“So how many bitchy models did you meet this weekend?” she asked.

“Okay, fine. None, they were all kinds of cool and really fun to talk to. I can’t really explain it but it was just DIFFERENT!” I said.

Jenna finished our pictures and posted some on the FB page. I saw mine and was actually in love with them. I never love pictures of myself, maybe there is a cute one here and there but these were phenomenal. That was ME. It was actually me and I looked beautiful. I was overcome with tears of joy because I did it for an amazing cause, but the thing I received that I thought I could never have again in my life was confidence. Boudoir has really helped me take the steps needed to rebuild a loving relationship with myself, no matter what the scale says. It has opened up doors in my life and built the foundations on which I stand now. I would never have been able to get where I am now without my counselor pushing me into the unknown or without Jenna being the great person she is. Jenna makes your session fun and exciting every time and is always giving helpful tips for camera shyness. She doesn’t force you to do photos you don’t like, so the session is never uncomfortable or awkward. Jenna has truly created the perfect environment for personal growth and inner beauty to blossom. I will continue to do boudoir probably until I am 90-years-old. All ages, all shapes, all sizes, all beauty, all the time.

“If you want something you’ve never had, you must be willing to do things that you have never done.” ~Thomas Jefferson